Episode 12: How to heal your relationship with Men

Welcome to the "Turning Wounds To Wisdom" podcast!

Nobody realises that the love you get in a relationship is only the love that your nervous system is used to. That the way men treat you, is typically what you've come to expect and get used to. That's how the brain and nervous system work.

So to have a new, abundant kind of love, you need to understand what to do to heal old wounds so that you can build better relationships, and finally attract men who can commit to you and show up with love, stability, safety and connection.

Watch more of the episode to find out how, and bring your books and pens out too!

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Love and Light always!!

A man who lacks commitment can make a woman feel abandoned, rejected, invalidated, and unworthy. And so, when a lot of women get into relationships wanting the whole love, uh, you know, idea. But they end up in relationships with men who lack commitment or are emotionally unavailable. It almost always ends up with the woman feeling abandoned, rejected, invalidated, and, and just feeling very small, lacking complete love.

Welcome to another episode of the wounds to wisdom podcast. And in today's episode, you know, with father's day around the corner, we're going to talk about how we can heal our relationship, how you can heal your relationship with men. Primarily first by understanding when was your first relationship that you had with a man?

Because. In this episode, what we're going to talk about is not just the, Oh, Hey, you know, watch out for the red flags and look out for men who, you know, who can't really show up for you. It's understanding. Why do I seek those men who can't show up for me? Why is it a pattern of men who can't love me and give me what I really want?

Why is it a pattern of men who in the beginning, I build this huge dream and this idea that we're going to have an amazing, loving life together. And then it almost always ends up with me begging, pleading, clinging. Running away from pull, like, you know, then pulling away, leading with heartbreak. So what I want to explain to everybody listening out there is, and this is something that nobody thinks about.

You want the loving relationship. You want everything into your life, right? We all want that. I don't even need to ask you that because I don't think I know anybody who's like, yeah, I want to have a poor relationship. Uh, funny enough, that's what your subconscious mind thinks, but you want these relationship ideas.

But when, or rather when, what is your body even used to when it comes to a relationship? Have you ever thought about it? What is your nervous system used to when it comes to a relationship? Think about the idea of love languages. There are different love languages like the sense of touch, gifts, time, etc.

Why do you even have those love languages? Have you ever thought about that? Well, the absolute truth is that the reason you love the way you want to, or love the way you do, or crave love the way you want to, The reason you have those love languages where you love or want love a certain way is because that's what your nervous system is used to.

Now, where and where do I get that idea, right? Where does this come from? You take a child when it's, when it's born first, when it's really young, it's nervous system is like fresh to the world. It doesn't have the idea of like what trauma means. It doesn't have the idea of what rejection, abandonment or what like, you know, even achieving success means none of that.

Doesn't know what anxiety is, nothing. So this little being comes into the world, born from the mother's womb, right? Little developing nervous system, no idea in their head of what real love and relationships look like, only with the expectation, the true expectation that they will be loved and taken, loved and taken care of no matter what.

This is what every baby is born with. But, Not every baby ends up having that reality, as we know, because most of us are born to parents who have their own stories. Some of us may not even have parents. But we are born to parents who had their own, at that time, their own traumas that triggers their anxieties, their wounds, their inabilities to show up, all of those things.

And so this baby who's now born into that experience, Receives a different kind of love than the love that this baby was born to expect this unconditional total protective love. This is a thing primarily of human beings because we have developed enough mind to create that kind of expectation and therefore to create trauma from that expectation.

Now listen to me carefully. I don't want to take you down a slippery slope, but Your nervous system, every time it experiences when you were a little baby, when it experienced someone showing up for you or not showing up for you, it imprinted a little idea on the nervous system of what it can get used to.

Think about why, you know, you're so used to speaking English is because your nervous system, the brain, which is the seat of your nervous system, received so much of conditioning, education, experience, like multiple repetition around it so that now you become an expert at it. Same thing with liking certain foods, dressing certain ways, et cetera, it's conditioning.

But the same thing about love, about the idea of love to you, how you can experience it and, and, you know, what you want from it. And so your love language really becomes, when you're a little being, either A, what you were really used to experience, so maybe you really experienced a lot of, like, touch, and so that's why you want your love language now is touch, or, and this is the more interesting one, um, By a method of compensation and seeking and wanting and finding it, what you didn't experience.

So for me, for example, my family, my parents were not very physically affectionate, even like, let's say emotionally as much. And so growing up, I always craved for a physical affection that was like much stronger maybe than even my siblings, which is why I end up, they end up calling me touchy feely, because every time we go home, I'm always jumping on them, hugging them, etc.

With my wife, it's the same thing. Well, she's also very physically affectionate, but that ultimately became one of my love languages. And on the contrary, um, you know, not being able, when I didn't have that, it made me want to seek it. Like, like I said, like really strongly. So it became my love language. Now, if you think of, for example, on the contrary, I was saying time, my dad may not have spent enough time with me, but then as I started growing up, somehow my brain was like, okay, that's not something I can expect anyway, so leave it be.

I know these two sound like two different elements on the opposite side of the coin, but it's all the same thing about the nervous system that this is how it learns to want or seek or have love. Now, the title of this is how do you heal your relationship with men? And the most important thing for you to understand here is What was the first idea of a relationship with a man that you had?

Now this, I know this, I hope this podcast hits close to a lot of women, but even to a lot of men, but when a little girl exists, one of her strongest needs developing. Is actually the safety, stability, security, protection of daddy, and not necessarily just the affection of mom that of course plays a huge part, but what a girl needs more in order to understand her relationship with men in the future is to create the strong idea of a relationship right now with the man in her life, AKA her father.

And so. What a girl wants is to be carried on daddy's shoulders more than just to be like hug. She wants to be carried on daddy's shoulders. She wants to feel safe in his arms. When she sits on his shoulders, she feels like daddy's so strong. Daddy can take care of me. Daddy's not going to drop me. If I fall, he'll catch me.

All of those things create a strong idea and expectation and understanding of stability, security, and safety for a girl. If daddy's available to spend time with this girl, to be around this girl, to give her that identity of love, she now understands and creates a stronger, healthier identity of a relationship with a man.

A safe relationship with a man. But the truth is for a lot of women, this is not the case for a lot of men and women, but for a lot of women, in this case, like we're talking about, it was not the case they had fathers who were emotionally unavailable because maybe they had no idea how to really love in the first place.

And so, you know, and their fathers shamed it out of them. So when they had these little kids come up to them, they just didn't know how to give them love. They didn't know how to hold on to them and give them that total unconditional idea of safety, protection, stability. Maybe a lot of these fathers worked too much and were unavailable.

Maybe some of the fathers were alcoholics. Maybe some of the fathers were narcissistic. Maybe some of the fathers had their own wounds. Ultimately, what any of those circumstances do is that it creates. a pain, a trauma within the little baby girl that she's not worthy enough to receive the unconditional love that she was born to expect.

And so now this pure little baby girl keeps going on in her life trying to seek the kind of love that she didn't get. But at the same time, her nervous system is only used to The fact that she doesn't get that complete love. So now you take this girl, right? And you put this girl as she grows up into an adult relationship, what she knows, what her subconscious knows, what's in her nervous system.

She's going to reproduce. That's just the absolute truth until, or unless she's healed the wounds. So let's say she hasn't healed the wounds. So this girl has a block in her heart. She's got like, you know, uh, hurt and grief and damage from not receiving that love. So already her heart is kind of damaged, right?

She's got the pain of a nervous system of not receiving the kind of love, but this is all she knows. So you put the same girl into a relationship with a, with an adult male or man or in anybody, and she's only going to do two things. One, she's going to run the show like how she's always known to run it, which means she's only going to accept and receive the kind of love she's used to.

More often than not, that is an emotionally unavailable man, someone who can't meet her needs, someone who can't love and show up for her the way she needs. But that's the only thing she's used to. So that's the only thing she's going to keep seeking. And the second thing is, she is going to keep hoping and clinging on to this love that she should have received from daddy, but that she didn't receive.

And so, that is going to lead her to only one place. A man who can't fulfill her needs because that man is going to represent the first relationship she ever realized with a man, the relationship with her father. Now I was on a live on my Instagram page where I talked about this a little bit. And so I want to share with you also, if you're listening, maybe a little reflection, a little reflection and journaling of how you can understand this better for yourself.

So I want you to bring a book and a pen. And I want you to journal these two or three important questions. And the first one is to ask yourself, what is the kind of love? That I'm wanting from a partner. Okay. Write that down. First question. What is the kind of love I'm wanting from partner? Take your time later on and journal that second.

And this one is a really important one as well. What is the kind of love that I was wanting or always wanted from my dad, but didn't receive. Now, this is a, this question will, uh, will, um, require you to separate your ego, to put it aside and to really dive deep and to look into this. And to really understand like, okay, this is what I really wanted.

Not just, oh, this is what daddy loved me. Yeah, everything was right. Because this is what I expected. This is what I got. You know, this is the kind of love I had like move on. You may think that that's helpful, but that's also you being oblivious to where there's a hole in your heart, where there's the need for you to fulfill love.

So the second question is what is the kind of love I always wanted, but never received? And the third question, this is what's going to bring this together is what is the kind of love that I'm used to? Which means what is the kind of love or the kind of relationship that I have been experiencing? And you will see how the lack of the love in the first two categories leads to the third category, which is the only kind of thing that you're used to.

Now, okay, you have this information. What do you do about it? What is the most important part for you coming out of this space is obviously you're listening to this podcast because you want to get some, some information on how you can heal this, right? You want to get some information on what you can do to actually have loving, supportive relationships moving forward.

And so for me, what I like to do is. I always try to look as if, um, and here's, here's the scientific fact. We live in cycles, our brain lives in cycles. And so when you're in that young age and you want that love from daddy, you want that love, that beautiful relationship, think about it as a particular love cycle.

But because that love cycle was not fully fulfilled, daddy couldn't meet all your needs. Think of that love cycle as being incomplete. Now, right from a young age, that love cycle was incomplete. So instead of being a big circle, it's an incomplete circle. Think of it like a C. And I tell this to my students all the time.

I love this new analogy. And the C represents the love you're used to. And the gap between the edges of the C represents the love that you want and your entire life, you're going to repeat this cycle of love until you fulfill and complete that C. So it will always be an incomplete cycle of love until finally the C is closed.

And then you move on and you evolve the kind of love. But the sad truth is you cannot. actually fulfill that C as you're continuously seeking people from the outside to do it. You can't. Again, why? Because this comes back to the idea of the nervous system. Your nervous system is only used to the idea of the C, which is the incomplete love.

So question. Yes. Well, how do I move from a C to a circle or C to an O to complete this? Think about it logically. If the gap of the sea is the love that you're seeking, but it's the love that you don't know, think about it as being the love that your nervous system is not used to yet. What do you have to do?

You have to get your nervous system used to that kind of love, right? Okay. How do you get your nervous system used to that kind of love when you don't even know what that love means? And that's where your healing comes into play. That's when you have to go back to, to weigh a few different things. Like what are my expectations of life?

Where am I, you know, feeling hurt? Where am I feeling rejected, abandoned, invalidated? These feelings generally create that C. And through a process we call this reparenting and we do it in our eight week program called the gauntlet through a process of reparenting and subconscious healing. You go back to complete those cycles of C.

You go back to complete that cycle of C by learning to give yourself the love you always needed, but never received. I want you to write down this definition, reparenting. Reparenting is the act. Of giving yourself the love you always needed but you never received. Now, this is what completes that C, and when that C starts to be more complete and become a circle or become an O, you start to attract healthy, true love and not incomplete love, which represents that incomplete C or that incomplete cycle.

Now, when it comes to, you know, it's Father's Day. And, oh, it's coming up to Father's Day and this episode will probably be released in and around there somewhere. I know, especially in North America, a lot of women have wounded relationships with their fathers. And so therefore, they have wounded relationships with their partners.

Because they've never really had the idea of a healthy, loving male, a healthy, loving person show up for them. So the first thing to do, and you may not even have access to your father. A lot of like, you know, people may be distanced from their fathers. Their fathers may pass away. This doesn't mean you can't heal.

And that doesn't mean that what you're doomed to not being able to heal the relationships with your partners. That's not true at all. It means that you have to be a little more creative. And create the identity of a father figure within you meeting those needs. This is what I had to do with my wounds with my mother.

Because growing up, I had a mother who was a very, let's call it a survival mother, a provider mother. She was someone who always was there to meet the, the physical, like, needs I had of survival. But a lot of the emotional needs, which tend to stem, stem from the mother were unmet the needs of affection, um, nurturing care.

She was more a provider than a nurturer. Right. And so growing up into my relationships, I craved this so strongly from other women. I craved the sense of a woman who would touch me, hold me, love me so much that. I, but at the same time, my nervous system was not used to it. So I attracted women who just couldn't show up for me maybe.

And it's, this is how amazing the ego is in the brain is that it wasn't just women who emotionally couldn't show up for me. It was also women who either had a priority, lived somewhere else, long distance, blah, blah, blah, all of which led to one common theme of women who couldn't love me and show up for me.

And this is the similarity between you, if you're listening and you have an, uh, a wounded relationship with men and me who had a wounded relationship with women is that that incomplete cycle of that C is what sabotaged me. And so even like when I kept trying to achieve and I wrote down, I want to have a beautiful relationship.

I even wrote down in my journal, like, you know, trying to project what kind of beautiful relationship I wanted. And yet the kind of relationship I got was not the same. And I know you're, if you're listening until this point, I know you're feeling similarly that way. So let me help you give you another journaling prompt, another prompt that could help you and support you.

I want you to write down what are my real needs in my relationship or in a relationship. Now, as you write it down, you will write down a lot of things like, I want them to show up and I want them to respond in time. I want you to do that. All of those again are projections of the wounded sea. Those are clingy, attachy type things that you put in there because you haven't experienced that kind of love.

So your mind and your ego are overcompensating. Tough news, I know, but you need to hear it to move on. So instead. What you need to write down is what are my real authentic needs? And as a woman, you may find if you completely open up your heart, even if as a man, you would be wanting consistency. Stability, safety, commitment.

Now safety doesn't mean a big, tough man. Safety means a man who makes you feel like you're a queen. Like you will never be touched emotionally or physically or whatever, because, and you never have to go out and fend for the household and protect it because that would be taken care of financially.

That'll be take care of like even emotionally. Right. And I say it emotionally because the good example of a healthy man and healthy woman, I remember this story or I've seen it is even the small things that you do when a partner is walking with you and they make you walk on the inside of a road. Or if someone even makes a, uh, a slightly lewd comment towards you and your partner doesn't need to punch him, kick him, like, you know, bully him, but just draw a boundary there.

All of those show a woman that they're really, really taken care of. And the other thing that shows a woman that they're really noticed and they're valuable, even the smallest things like opening the door, flowers, um, giving them a day off rest. Taking care of buying them a gift or something they've been mentioning before they want.

All of these small things make a woman feel inside. Like she's a queen and that she's a loved little girl at the same time. So when you're thinking of your needs, think about that little girl inside you and the needs that are still missing for her. And when you're able to write down, you know, the list of this needs, this is the next part, which is challenging, but this is the part that I do.

And we specialize in my program, the part that the better you get at, the more whole your life will always feel. How can I learn to meet these needs? Myself right now. Now, again, when you think about that and we write it, you may think that this will make you hyper independent. And it is true. A lot of people, when they start to meet their needs, they get so good at meeting their needs.

Now they cut off from being vulnerable and letting somebody else support them and meet their needs. But then again, They're also ignoring some other needs of being vulnerable, being loved, being taken care of. And someone asked me this question and said, um, Hey, yes. You know, how do I get back to dating again?

How do I make myself ready to date again? Because I've been so hurt that from the hurt, I blocked off my heart from blocking off my heart, I had to learn to do some healing, which means overprotecting my heart from overprotecting my heart. I've got to this person who I'm hyper independent and I'm finally taking care of myself, but.

I'm scared to allow someone to take care of me again. That means in truth, you're not fully loving yourself because if you fully loved yourself, you know that you're not going to attract someone to sabotage you again, that you will spot the signs of someone who can't show up for you. That you will recognize someone who doesn't meet your needs before jumping into that whole story and feeling invalid, invalidated all over again.

You will build more self trust, you will feel more self reliant and all these things and therefore you will feel more connected to somebody else. And in that process you will realize that it's not just safe to start loving again, you're excited to start loving again. But this time when you start loving again, you're loving from a different perspective.

So, you know, coming to the end of this whole discussion that we've had. When we start to heal the idea of the relationship we had with the first male or female people in our lives, our parent figures, by learning to complete some of the cycles within ourself. Subconsciously, our mind repairs the relationship with that we're going to have with other men.

It, it, it creates better relationships, higher standards. You draw boundaries unconsciously. You settle for red flags, much less. In fact, you spot them much sooner. Energetically. When you go on dates, you don't attract the same kind of people or self obsessed douchebags or the guys who pull away and treat you like shit or the push and pull because.

Your nervous system now has relearned the idea of healthy, and my friends, that is what you truly deserve in your life. The better you can train yourself with the idea of healthy love, the better your nervous system will unconsciously seek it in the world around you. I love you very much, and I hope you stay tuned to the next episode of the podcast, because it's also going to be really powerful and interesting.

Share this with everybody else you think needs to listen to it. And as always, use those journaling prompts. That I sent you to create a really strong, protected idea, loved, valued idea, and healing art for yourself.