Episode 11:  Finding yourself

Welcome to the "Turning Wounds To Wisdom" podcast!

I've been lost before in my life. not knowing who I really was, not even authentically connecting with my soul, or with my heart or even my essence.

This episode is different moments in my life where I've lost myself, but I also have a special guest on board with me who talks about where she lost herself and what she's done to find her truth, her essence and her value all over again - even when times get tough.

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Love and Light always!!

Okay. Welcome everybody to, um, another episode of the wounds to wisdom podcast. So yesterday when I was on a teaching call, someone actually asked me, they said, yeah, it's, you know, how did you get to where you are in this work? How did you get to this point where you can teach people all of these things?

You practice all of this inner work stuff. Um, you know, and, and you seem to at least live a life with like some integrity. You're grounded in your relationships. You're manifesting the things you want. And it really got me thinking about my past as well. And it really got me thinking about how I truly found myself, which, um, which wasn't really easy because I had to go through a lot of shit.

Let me tell you, there was some bad breakups. There was some narcissism in there. There was some cheating for sure, which I think you guys have heard of. And so on today's episode, I just want to have a really casual conversation about that with. Another friend, uh, potential colleague, you know, former client of mine, who's also really done a lot for herself in finding herself in, especially after like, you know, divorces, finding her own brand.

So today I'm going to have a beautiful conversation with Heather about what it's like for us to find us ourselves. Well, not for me to find herself for us to find ourselves, but, um, all right. Heather, let me bring you up there. Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you. Hi. Hi, Heather. Do you feel more relaxed and comfortable in today's session than you did the last one?

I do. I feel very relaxed. Nice. I love it. Um, okay. So I think you heard the intro I was making and I'm just, you know, just a casual, easy conversation about finding ourselves, finding yourself, finding oneself. And I think that you have a daughter as well, so this might be really, you know, something you've thought about because I'm sure there are times you think, I wonder how she'll find herself in this world today, where there's so much social media, so much of an influence, etc.

I want to ask you, what does it mean for you, this idea of finding yourself? What do you even think about yourself? Oh, my goodness. Well, this is a long journey for me. Um, you know, for sure. I think that, um, I've learned a lot about myself through some of the most painful, you know, situations in my life, which, which for me are from, you know, Romantic relationships.

That's kind of where my challenges, you know, I feel like I have, um, a pretty, pretty good business and I have great friends and, you know, good family life, but where my, you know, challenges and my shadow and all these things come out is really like with my levers Relationships. And so, you know, that's where I've definitely learned what some of these lovers, uh, douchebags, like you said, a couple of cheaters in there and a little bit of narcissism for sure.

And I, I feel like I'm more like a, you know, suffered with some codependency in my day, just from, I think my childhood and seeing my parents, you know, my issues with drinking and things like that. So I kind of witnessed. That type of chaotic marriage when I was a little girl. And so I think I've grown up to choose men that are similar to my dad in that regard.

Well, how did you like, well, then by that same concept, if that's what you are so familiar with, right? Like finding a lot of men, because here's the other part of finding ourself is that whatever we think of ourself, we will find something in our lives that compliments it. Right. So at the time, so at the time when you found those, uh, those men who, uh, maybe also alcoholics or maybe cheaters and stuff, the quote unquote douchebags and no names shall be mentioned here.

But, um, what did you feel of yourself at that point? I mean, you know, one of my first relationships was with, uh, with, with my first husband and I met him in high school and I was 16 years old. And so what did I think of myself? 16, like all I cared about when I was 16 was, you know, my, my friends thought of me and I wanted to find a boyfriend and I just feel like I gave my.

Like wanted to look a certain way. I had a lot of stake on external appearance because my dad sort of rewarded me for that when I was little, like told me how pretty I was, which was great, but then I put all this importance on and value on my external appearance and now that I'm older, I realized like, no, that's not.

That is part of who I am, but really what's more important is who I am on the inside. Okay Heather, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop you there because at this part of the story, this is where the BS police are coming out and I want you to catch them, right? Because you said that when you were young, people called, your dad called you pretty and stuff and that's why you built an identity for yourself from there.

But I think right now you've built a brand for yourself out of your own, again, identity physically from fashion, right? Right. And from what you're doing, which obviously is an emphasis of like, how pretty you are, but how you carry yourself. So what is different between when someone called you pretty when you were 16 and you creating identity of yourself and now?

You creating an identity for yourself at your age, which if you don't mind me asking, like I've, I never asked women their age. I like to guess the habit. My dad trained me with I am 50. I turned 50 in November. What? Really? Wow. Congratulations. You don't look a day over 39, right? For all of us, but everybody else is listening.

If you don't get to watch this, so you don't know too bad. You'll just have to take my word for it. It's very true. But coming back to your answer, what differentiates you from who you are now, where you're building an identity of yourself physically and how you look? And at that time, when you were like 16 or 17?

I know myself a lot better now than I did when I was 16. I've had a lot of life experiences. I've done a lot of internal work. On my patterns, you know, patterns I picked up from my mom and my dad and the way the ways that I've acted out in romantic relationships. Like I told you, you know, I can be pretty controlling because I had a dad who drank a lot and my mom also drank.

And so give me an example of a controlling tendency you have and make it spicy. Oh, my goodness. I mean, you know, just wanting to, um, have, you know, just have a say and like, we're going on a trip or something like what we do. During the day or, you know, what, where we, what restaurant we go to, um, you know, even kind of like telling them, telling him what to wear, maybe like suggesting you were, what if you were this instead of that, you know, and some people aren't, my second husband was not receptive to that at all.

And in fact, he hated that when I would try to tell him what to wear, you know? And so I would kind of learn that about him to do it. Bye. You know, I think you would do it. Why do you think that you would control and try and for example, um, make sure that you go to the restaurant. That's what, like, you know, that you really want to or that they wear the clothes.

You really want them to like, why do you think that you do that? I think because I think it, I think that it will bring me peace and, you know, but really, but really it doesn't, it just creates tension in the relationship. It's just a lot of tension between us because I, what I really should be doing is none of not worrying about them, just worrying about myself.

Right. And it's really not business. You know, and also I would, the biggest way I would control is controlling how much they drank, you know, that much you're drinking too much, you're making me feel uncomfortable. But I mean, that comes from a place where also you were afraid, right? I mean, you saw your dad drinking a lot.

So you were afraid that if these men who you're in a relationship with, if they drank too much. Things will get ugly. Now, here's another question. Another thing. We know, like, we talk about this a lot. We know that from the subconscious mind, what we believe we will make true. Right? So did those men who are in your life, who they were drinkers, um, were they aggressive or was their behavior not friendly or supportive when, you know, they drank too much?

Yes, for sure. They were definitely aggressive and, um, you know, uh, abusive at times, you know, verbally and psychologically. And that was awful. I mean, we would have the biggest fights when, when alcohol was involved. And so I, You know, I was proud of myself for speaking up about it. Like, Hey, I don't want you to do this.

I, you know, I don't want you to drink that much. I'd rather not be around you when I drink. And so I would set the boundary, like you can't drink around me. But then I had a therapist say. That's not setting a boundary. You're trying to what's setting a boundaries is, is me to say to him, if you're going to drink like that, I'm not going to be around you to not go out with you, or I will choose to go upstairs and go to my room by myself.

You know, because I can control what I do, but I can't control what they do. Right. You know what, you said something really interesting here, which is the control what I can do and not control what they can do. And this is the difference between victimization and, and empowerment. Right. And a lot of us who get into this controlling attitude, because I also have the controlling attitude about how shit is around the house, which I have like slowly had to break, like constantly, otherwise my wife's going to fucking book my ass.

So. Um, but it comes from this kind of like victimized place, I think, where we're feeling like, um, if things are not done the way I want them around me, my life's going to be like, turn to shit. Like you said, use the word safety, right? Like, I mean, Obviously, there is a safety for those of you who are listening who either are victims of like alcohol abuse have been around people like I just want you guys to listen to this a little carefully.

My heart goes out to all of you because it's a terrible, terrible thing. And I feel like I was teaching a gauntlet call yesterday where I teach where I thought about how alcohol helps a lot of people bring out unrepressed emotions and or repressed emotions and repressed anger, etc. And so they channel it onto the people who are in relationships with them, because it's easiest.

It's safest to like, take it out on them, right? Rather than to take it out on someone unknown who then take you to the cops. Um, but, um, at the same token, I feel like when we control, it's like, we're trying to establish some sense of like, that things will work out for us. Because inside there's this belief that things are not going to work out for us, you know, that everybody else is going to make us feel unsafe, that things are like not working out for us, you know, the woe is me.

My dad was like this. My mom was like that in my case or any of those other things. And like you said, the empowerment is when you take back the initiative, you take back the energy by not choosing to control. But more importantly, by removing yourself. From a particular situation or on the other end by creating acceptance and trust of the situation.

You're in. And before I let you go again, I, uh, you know, the acceptance piece people might be saying, like, how does acceptance make sense here? Yeah, that's when you have like an alcoholic partner or a friend or someone most of us who control don't want to accept that. A person, uh, cannot change. And so we want to try and change them or fix them because then that makes us feel better.

And we don't want to create that sense of acceptance that this is their story, because then it reflects on us for being like, shit, then I have to make a decision whether I stay or leave or choose something else or whatever else, but I don't want to do that. So I'd much rather try to fix them. I'd much rather try to control them.

And so we end up like staying in those situations, but hating them and resenting them and controlling them throughout it. Instead of accepting that things may not be different, that this is their story. This is where they come from and trying to put ourselves in like a different situation. Does that, does that make sense to you?

It totally does. That's why I was, I felt like I was stuck in that unhealthy, toxic marriage for so long. And I definitely stayed well past the expiration date because of exactly what you said. It was, would be much easier. I thought for me to try to control them and stop drinking and try to get him to behave a certain way.

Because acting reality or having radical acceptance meant that a, he wasn't going to change. And so that means I was the one who was going to have to change and blow my life up, leave my dream house. We, you know, at age 49 years old or 48 years old, you know, um, you know, wreck my family that we had raised five kids together for 15 years.

You know, I didn't want it to do that. That's the last thing I wanted to do, but my mental health was way more important than staying in that marriage for those, for those reasons, which aren't important to me, my mental health and my physical health are more important to me than that. Yeah. Um, So you would, you know, when we think about that time and since we're talking about finding ourselves, right, would you say that that time of your life when you were going through the mental and you said the physical stress of that relationship at that time, would you say that you kind of lost yourself somewhere along the way there a little bit?

Yes, absolutely. Because I was so outwardly focused. I was so aptly focused on changing him. And so I wasn't really noticing what my, my brain was trying to keep me in a comfortable and familiar situation. Like my therapist, you're comfortably miserable, right? Comfortably miserable. I like that. But I read that book, the body keeps the score.

And so my body was acting out and was with all the trauma. Like I was getting migraines. I was getting UTIs. I was having panic attacks. I had kidney stones. I had the worst bladder infections in the entire world where I'd have to go to the emergency room. And, um, I would drive myself to the emergency room because he, I wouldn't let him drive me because our energy was so bad in the car with me.

And so I literally drove myself to the emergency room with the kidney stone because that's better than having him in the car. Like that's how bad it can. Can I ask you a personal question? It's going to be pretty personal. It's regarding, I'm letting you know what is regarding. It's going to be regarding sex.

So you can tell me if I can or can't, or we can just dodge this question as it comes up. But. I have heard of, and I've worked with people, like primarily women, women tend to have more UTIs than men, naturally, and they, I think they have like a more sensitive, um, body, especially around that part, because they have to give birth and everything, all of those important things that come from that.

But I also noticed that women are way more sensitive to sexual reception than men are. And so if a man is sleeping with someone that, you know, they're not fully in connection with or whatever, because men are not as in tune with that feminine side as women are. They don't see as much of like a bodily rejection, but when women sleep with men who they're not feeling comfortable with, or they're not feeling happy or connected with, or who are not good for them, their body shows up, like it shows up in their body primarily with the part of the body that's engaged.

Right. And that's like, you know, our reproductive organs. And so they say they see or find a lot of UTIs discharge, et cetera. Like, I don't know. I mean, this may be a personal question, but I think people can really learn from that. Did you experience that? Was that, are these two things true for you? Yeah, no, I mean, I definitely was not wanting to engage in sexual relationships with him at the end of our relationship for sure.

Or when we would, because we still did, you know, maybe like once a week and when we would, I would almost like disassociate, like I would, if we ever kissed during sex, I would turn my head and close my eyes, just sort of, Pretend it wasn't him that was doing that. And I didn't like that. And, uh, it didn't feel good.

And I, I, my body didn't like it either. And I think it did come out of me getting the UTIs. Absolutely. Because if you're not paying attention to it, like you're dissociating your body has to let you know some way that like, it's not happy where it is. Right. And it's not liking it because the mind is trying to block out what's going on.

But the body can't forget because it's experiencing it. That's why the body keeps the score. And I think that that's actually literally what happens in that moment is when the body is trying to reject something that you're not paying attention to. You know, this is a really good, like this, this leads to the same thing about controlling, right?

Where we're not making the conscious effort to change our situation. And so our subconscious is coming out in terms of us controlling the situation. Oh, that's so true. Because I had the UTI, I wouldn't be able to have sex. Thanks. And so that's, I never thought of that before. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? That's how intelligent your body is.

Yeah, that's amazing. It's amazing. Wow. Well, you know what? Thank you for even sharing that really and for answering my question as awkward as it may have made you and squirm in your seat just a little bit. As it's you, I feel comfortable talking to you. No, and you did a great job. You did a great job answering and I'll tell you something that I've recognized.

You know, the first time I remember someone asked me about like my cheating thing, like I put out a post A few months ago about like my own narcissism behaviors and oh my God, the shit I got like, first of all, that was a while ago, right? That's what people don't seem to get. How long ago was that? That was probably like when I was in the peak of my narcissistic behaviors peak, it was probably like 10 years ago or 12 years ago, I would say.

And so how did that change? Because, you know, a lot of what sort of the. is, is that for the consensus is that most narcissists never change. And I'm glad you asked me that question because this is also kind of that, that time of like losing and finding ourselves, right. And that same question. So there were a few years when I exhibited like very strong narcissistic behaviors.

And at that time I would say I was losing myself slowly because I was distracted by the fact that I was getting all this validation from women. I was cheating on my partner. It was so easy for me to convince people that, you know, they should love me. And I'm not talking about just women. Like I made myself this figure that was very like popular amongst my friends and, you know, all of that stuff.

And that built this idea for myself. Right. And while I thought I was creating a great image for myself inside. I was actually losing myself. Little by little. And so it came to, I was with this girl for six years and I believe I truly loved her, but I don't believe I gave her the love she deserved or maybe even received the love I deserved.

And so that's why, you know, we went through this pattern, but after six or five years, she finally like decided to end the relationship, which I don't think she would have ever had the courage to do before. It was always me who was dominating it. And when she did, that's when suddenly I came face to face with my demons.

And I was like, who is this? And that's the moment I say I completely lost myself, like completely lost myself. And I was alone in a new country, having like cope with it, all this stuff. So, you know, when people say that narcissists, like are always narcissists, I don't believe it's true. Because it's the same as ADHD.

And I suffered from ADHD, ADD, other nervous system disorders, epilepsy, where a lot of people think that those things can be permanent. True. That's also not true. Your brain is so neuroplastic physically. And even like in terms of its wiring, that if you have the right kind of healing. And the right commitment of doing the healing work, you can actually rewire the way your brain functions.

Sometimes from time to time, I can still see those old stories or those old wounds come up, but then that's what differentiates me from the old person is that now I have a set of tools, a structure, a discipline that catches it. And said, it says, what do I need to do in this moment to create that change for myself, rather than get like sucked down into that pattern?

You know, but do you, in, in, I mean, since we're talking about finding yourself, going from that place where you lost yourself to this person that you found yourself, do you think that you've had to change certain life habits? So change certain like, um, you know, ideas of yourself, change certain things you believed.

You know, about yourself or the things in order to have the life you have now. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I, you know, one of the things I believed is that I would, you know, have this belief that what that love was this chaotic, you know, uh, relationship, it had to be hot and cold and all these things. How I saw my parents act in their marriage.

And so I had that belief. Oh, that, that, that's what love is. You know, my subconscious thought that consciously I knew that's not what love was, but my subconscious didn't, didn't agree because saw that when I was little. And so I had to, I'm really working on changing that belief that. Love can be constant.

Love can be, love can feel safe. And then I could sit in my feminine energy and just sit back and receive. And I don't have to control taking your class taught me that because, um, you know, just all the exercises and meditations and journaling and things like that, that you had us do, it helped me so much.

And I, that I proved that to myself when I was able to, You know, remove myself from a situation ship that I found myself in after my toxic marriage was over. I found myself in another toxic situation ship, which we talked a little bit about last time, but that threw me for a loop, but I was able to leave.

Are you still involved in that? I mean, I would love to say that I'm not. I love the honesty though. That's, I mean, that's, that's what helps. And yeah, I'm not in that anymore, but I did have a little slip up. I did have a 12 hour period where I entertained him for a little bit and then I quickly, he was blocked again.

And I knew that wasn't the right thing for me, but, and I thought I could go into my old pattern of beating myself up and this struggle with too, which I think is another way to control, try to control. But then I was like, you know what? I'm going to try to have compassion for myself and just treat it as like, Hey, I'm human.

And it's okay. I recognize it. And then I cut it off again and I'm going to, you know, I, my goal is to keep it cut off because he isn't for me. I know I deserve, he's not going to give you what you want and what you need because he's unhealed and he has all this trauma and he's also got issues with drinking and like all the shit, just so annoying.

And, you know, the, well, two things I want to say to you is that first, um, I want to say to you that it's okay that you slipped up, like you said, 12 hours is not that much in the grand scheme of things. We think about it anyway, right? So one, it's okay that you see the stuff. And I think that it's nice that you said this because a lot of people listening are probably like, oh, shit, you know, yesterday I got into my My poverty mindset about money, or yesterday I got triggered about this thing with my partner again, or like I reached out to my ex and it happens.

It's what we do when that happens afterwards, that really makes a difference. And you said that while it went on for 12 hours, you drew a boundary with yourself somewhere. You chose to be empowered and draw that boundary, right? So one. I think, I love that your dog just like bouncing in the back, it's amazing.

He's like, he's entertaining or she's really enjoying this conversation, it seems like. Um, but one, I think that it's, I'm proud of you for, you know, one is it's okay that it happens. Compassion is so important. Two, I'm proud of you for stepping out of it. And drawing that boundary with yourself and saying, like, I don't want to do it or get back into it.

But three, what really is important is for us to recognize, um, why are we going back? And so what I want to ask you is this, this question, and then we'll come close to the end of this conversation today. Because this is what can help make us lose ourselves again, right? You, you are now, by the way, I'm, I'm letting all of you know, in case you don't know, there's Heather's this beautiful fifth year woman who teaches so many women all over the world to feel so confident in how they look and they carry themselves and, you know, is teaching them not just to like, you know, where the right clothes, but to feel good about themselves wearing these things.

So you've, you've done so much for yourself. You're finding yourself those moments of tests of where we can lose ourselves again. We have to recognize for me, I always do this. A, why is it coming up? And B, what am I needing that I'm not giving? So that moment that you had that 12 hours, right? Where you felt like weak in the knees, let's call it, you know, for this, uh, for this, uh, what's it called?

A situation. I think players do kind of work. Let's call them a situation douche bag. How about that? Not even a situation ship douche bag, a situation ship. Whoever it is. If you're listening, I'm sure you're a great human being. We're just doing this all in fun. Only a little. Um, but what were you going through on that day that you felt you needed to respond to this guy?

If you can think back, do you think you were feeling like lonely? You were missing connection. Maybe were you drinking? Maybe was there something that happened and you just wanted to share it with someone? Did you just want to feel loved physically? So you wanted to reach out? Like, what do you think you were going through?

Because seeing who you are, I cannot imagine that when you're feeling in your highs of highs. You're seeing someone, let's say you go on a date and someone really values, values you, nourishes you, takes care of you and nurtures you. I can't see you in that high of highs wanting to go back to this other person.

So what was going on? I was lonely. I mean, I was on my way to see some girlfriends at dinner. So I was about to be with my girlfriend. So, you know, I, I was wanting connection with him or not just with him. I was wanting connection. With someone, and I was a little lonely, I just really wanted connection with a man.

I think I see my girlfriends, but I really wanted connection, masculine energy. I just, you know, and so, and so, yeah, maybe I was feeling a little lonely and wanted some connection. Yeah, and you know what? That that happens to all of us. I think for most of my friends for me in the past, those moments when I cheated was always moments when my partner was awake because she traveled a lot or I did.

It was almost always moments when she was away and I was in a different city and I wanted that kind of feminine connection, that feminine touch, you know, cuddling and like sex is the fastest way for us to feel that sense of connection, right? Because our bodies actually doing something together physically.

Right. So those were the moments that like, I could tell I was losing myself like in this moment. So what I'm going to do for you is I'm going to get you a scarecrow, right? And I'm going to paint like a good old beard on it. I'm going to send it over to your place. And then whenever you're wanting this masculine connection, just go to this scarecrow.

You can do whatever it is you want this recording. You can just, you can put some parts on it if you want, just to make sure, you know, it does its job or whatever. I'm just joking. But in truth. replacing that scarecrow with an emotional, um, an emotional, masculine, supportive piece, right? Like in the moment that you want that level of connection, what can you, the biggest question for me that saved me is always, what can I do in that moment to at least make myself, yeah, exactly.

In that moment for myself to at least feel a little more loved so that I don't have to resort and go back to the things that at the end, Make me feel unloved, you know, because at the end that's what's going to happen, right? And it's like I didn't even think there was no In the beginning, right? And if there's thinking it's not with the right parts of the body either, right?

All right So it happens it happens all the time. I'm very well aware of this and I can work with people It's natural, but that's when we have to especially Step into, you know, taking care of ourselves. So, um, on that note, this was an amazing conversation, Heather. Thank you so much. Uh, I'm sure I'm going to have you here more and more.

And so everybody else, we're going to have more Heather here more and more. If you have any questions for Heather, you have any questions for me, you want us to, you know, answer any, you can always send messages to us. You can always like respond to us. Heather actually has a really good following on YouTube and on Instagram She teaches women, as I just said, to create more like self confidence in the way they take care of themselves and dress and, you know, so, uh, what's, what's it called, Heather, where they can follow you.

So on Instagram, I'm SoHeatherBlog and on YouTube, you can find me under Heather Anderson. My name is Heather Anderson. Yeah. So there you go. Enjoyed our conversation. Thank you. Absolutely. We're going to have more and more of these. All right. So thank you everybody for listening. We'll see you guys on the next one.

See you next time.